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For those of you who don’t follow me on Twitter, I conducted a little experiment earlier today. I made some Earl Grey Tea, and then put espresso in it. Here is the record of that experiment:

 

 

 

Alright, here we go: The Earlspresso Grey Experiment of 2012. Mark your future history books folks!

 

Question: Will Earl Grey Tea taste good if you add Espresso to it?

 

Hypotheses: 1) Yes it fucking will – Me 2) No it fucking won’t – Sam

 

Method: 1) Start water boiling 2) Start Espresso Brewing 3) Mix hot water and Tea Bag 4) Hope timing is good to put the Espresso In

 

Step 1 Initiated at 12:01 PM MST, Step 2 delayed by fact that Espresso machine is held in an inconvenient place upon the counter

 

Step 2 further delayed by fact that Experimenter has no idea how to Tamp on his home espresso machine; Cocktail Shaker used as stopgap

 

Step 1 Complete; Step 2 Properly Initiated at 12:07 PM MST; Step 3 (Pouring hot water over tea bag) Initiated after Mug Deliberation @ 12:09

 

12:11 PM MST: Problems with espresso machine encountered WHY IS THERE WATER COMING OUT OF ITS EVERY ORIFICE

 

12:13 PM Tea is done steeping; Espresso Machine is being weirder, but has stopped spewing water everywhere

 

12:15 PM MST: More Espresso than i had meant to make has been made. I forgot to empty it of water after steaming milk some days ago….

 

Forgotten Note: 12:13 PM Earl Grey came out tasty.

 

12:17 PM: Espresso finished brewing. Is passable. Is weak and Bitter, but passable.

 

12:18 PM MST: Espresso and Earl Grey finally mixed. No catastrophic results. Stirred with stainless steel tablespoon.

 

12:19 PM MST: Experimenter prepares to attempt first sip of this strange brew

 

12:19 PM MST: Odor of Strange Brew is delightful; Bergamot and Espresso would be good mix for perfume

 

12:20 PM MST: Earlspresso Grey tastes like…. Well just like if you mixed espresso and earl grey. Bitter aftertaste of burnt bergamot.

 

12:22 PM MST third sip sparks strange awareness of body

 

12:23 PM MST: Continued experiment delayed by laundry being done in the dryer, Scientist will BRB

 

12:25 PM: Scientist hears dull roar coming from outside on his way to the laundry room

 

12:28 PM MST Subject feels motion of air without a breeze; shows signs of fear of the North and dissociation of self with self

 

12:29 PM MST “Hey, this is actually delicious. What if we infused coffee with Salvia Dinorum?”

 

12:30 PM MST Subject experiences burning in belly, Goes down to Miami Kill Roosevelt!

 

((Subject responds to query about the flavor)) I think if I had made the espresso better, let the tea steep a little longer, and used fresher beans, it would be v. tasty!

 

12:30 PM MST: Subject receives DM from self, warning of “they are coming they are coming they are coming.” Subject deletes DM

 

12:32 PM MST: Subject suspects he can fly. Scientist shuts balcony door.

 

12:34 PM MST Strange Brew is half gone. Subject suspects the flow of time has slowed around him. Asks whether scientist can make more.

 

12:36 PM MST scientist rejoins self as subject, decides not to make more just this minute, to disappointment of all 3

 

12:37 PM MST Subject/Scientist/Self recognizes that the Earlspresso Grey has turned him into a Trinity, begins founding new religion

 

12:38 PM MST Subject wants to scrub the left side of his tongue because oh my GOD it is carrying an awful flavor right now ugh

 

12:39 PM MST Subject sees the holes in the sky, sends self DM warning “they are coming they are coming they are coming”

 

12:41 PM MST With only two sips of concoction to go, Subject has neither phased ENTIRELY out of reality nor vomited.

 

12:44 PM MST Subject feels dizzy, as if left brain and right brain are slightly out of tmpemroal cnys

 

sksa tcejbus, lasrever “I ma ohw ? ” emit fo stceffe eht gnicneirepxe TSM MP 64:21

 

12:47 PM MST: Subject downs final/first sip of foul noitop and snaps otni normal state of disreality, only occasionally gnivom backwards

 

12:49 PM MST with the Earlspresso yerG fully absorbgni into his system, tcejbus must depart for the bank

 

1:01 pm mst, subject discovers he has been punching everyone on the way to the bank, stops for a bagel

 

1:04 pm mst, subject realizes that he has punched nothing but his own demons, enjoys bagel

 

1:09 pm mst, subject wonders why bagel is punching him, recognizes it as a talking hot dog and one of his demons

 

1:13 pm mst subject enters bank struggling with bagel, wonders why his teller is hieronymous bosch

 

3:33 pm mst subject insists that there is no escape

 

2:27 pm mst worms, oh my god, worms

 

1:25 pm mst subject ceases remembering the future, dr. Memory, wonders where bagel went

 

1:21 pm mst subject remembers the future, gives bagel to Uhclem

 

 

1:33 PM MST subject discovers missed connection on craigslist from the end of time, stamped “4:00 PM MST today”, flags it as spam

 

1:38 PM Subject feels the foul concoction leaving his system, discovers that he still has bagel, which is not a demon or a hot dog, whew

 

Conclusion: NEVER AGAIN. Or, rather, maybe tomorrow.

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